Why I don't care about 'arry Potta, Reason #3

It's really the movies I despise. The books, well, I'm jealous, as is anyone else who badmouths them. I couldn't write a book like that, so kudos to J.K.

But, the movies, now they dig a hole in my head. Reason #3: "Hey! All our Harry Potter movies gross around $900 million. What if--and believe me, this is just an idea--we took the last book and split it into TWO MOVIES! Any takers? We can then make $1.8 billion instead of a measly, poor man's $900 million.

Why I don't care about 'arry Potta, Reason #2

I was forced to see the fourth movie (was it the fourth? fifth? The one with the Twilight punk getting killed) without having seen the previous movies, nor reading the books.

In other words, I had no idea what was going on as I sat immobile in a movie theater surrounded by pubescent boys and girls as they oooed and awed at the big screen. I just sitting there, thinking: "Hey, there's Alan Rickman. I like him. Oh, there's Ralph Fiennes. What's he doing here? Where is his nose? That's what makes him evil? He's got no nose. . ."

Why I don't care about 'arry Potta, Reason #1

This weirdo:

My butt will dispel the smoke! Eat that, Voldemort!

BATTLES!

Has anyone seen the Battles B.C. show on the History Channel?

It is unbelievable. I watched it for maybe 3 hours today while lying on the couch desperately trying not to be sick. They take the really bad reenactment actors they're known for, put 300-esque graphics over everything (you can tell they green-screened it all, etc.), film about 5 clips per battle, and then rotate playing those 5 clips over and over again in between tactics and war professors talking and talking (like little boys in a sandbox).
I highly recommend this show! Watch some of the videos here.

You'd think the president had died

with all the channels covering Michael Jackson's memorial today. I lost track after flipping through about 12 channels covering the event. A little boy was singing for the brief moment I watched. He was "handpicked by Michael" to sing with him for the canceled tour in England.

Just before the music, Magic Johnson gave a speech about how Michael touched his life. I kept waiting for the basketball/pop-music metaphors. "And then, at age 50, poor Michael's heart double-dribbled..."

Did we just forget about all that crazy stuff Michael did? Is this like the Reagan funeral, where we only remember the good? Did the giant coliseum, the thousands inside, the millions of viewers at home, and the giant broadcasting stations--did they all forget how Jackson almost went to jail for being a pederast? That he kept life-sized dolls of children in his bedroom? That he had several locked passages and areas in his many closets?

I'm not saying the guy was horrible. I'm not saying that we oft' inter the good with his bones, or anything like that. Here's what I'm saying: Does the guy really deserve constant TV coverage? Better stuff has to be happening in the world, News-Industrial-Complex.

Maybe I just want Magic Johnson to say a few words at my funeral...

Coming up: How listening to Michael Jackson song can kill you! After this commercial break...

Thoughts on the Death of the King of Pop

When Michael Jackson died, I thought:
-Did he pop up into heaven through a trap door?
-I hope he brought both gloves with him.
-New series of jokes! "Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson are waiting in line to get into heaven and _______."
-We already know how he'll decay:

-If there is an afterlife, will he get to choose his race?
-Let's cryogenically freeze him! Let's cryogenically freeze him!
-The kids are safe! (O.K., that joke was stolen...)
-Requiescate in pace, MJ

More women look away from abnormal babies

"Study: It may be harder for females to see infants with facial birth defects"

This is what I saw on MSNBC. First off, what the hell? Why are we studying this? After reading the entire article, I found several problems. The low down: An amazing, super-correct study found that women can't look at deformed babies as much as men can. This is useful because _____. I now know why grants are so hard to come by...

1. The test stemmed from people seeing photos on computer screens, rating them on a beauty scale of 0 to 100. How was "beautiful" defined? Why 100 points?

2. The study was performed with 13 men and 14 women. For some reason, I don't think 14 women count for ALL OF THE FEMALE GENDER. Fourteen? Are you kidding? Since when does that number ever represent a total population.

3. Participants in the study could either move on to the next photo on the screen, to see a normal baby or a baby with a cleft palate or Downs, or the participant could pause the slideshow. In either case, time spent on a photograph was measured. How does that indicate anything?

I'm sorry, I could go on forever on this. It turns out this study was performed at the McLean Hospital, a bedfellow of Harvard. Shame, shame, shame. The conclusion: "They had this subliminal motivation to get rid of the faces," said Dr. Elman, who questions whether "we're designed by nature to invest all the resources into healthy-looking kids."

Actually, this study doesn't prove a damn thing.

I Didn't Have Cable in Montana...

And I didn't know how addicting Food Network is late at night
and I didn't care at all about Jon & Kate
and I would have to read about Iran on my own
and I didn't keep up with all the latest commercials
and I had to wait until Friday mornings to watch The Office online
and the History Channel didn't bother me with seemingly un-historical shows about the occult.

Unhistorical? Ahistorical?
Bah.

Recipe for a Good Day

Drive down to Busch Gardens, Tampa. Make sure you take the right turns to get there (Google doesn't know which Busch Gardens you mean...) and then pay the $12 to park and have your vehicle guarded by a man in a lifeguard stand over the parking lot. Next, enjoy the tram ride to the entrance.

A general rule about Busch Gardens and Six Flags: These parks want you on the damn ride and off the damn ride. There are no stories to invest in, no real themes. If you come to the front of the line for a rollercoaster, and there is no one there directing you into rows, and there are a bunch of people waiting behind you, GET INTO A ROW ON YOUR OWN. It's not hard. I'm pretty sure an idiot (a person of the lowest order in a former classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25, according to Dictionary.com) could figure this out. So lady and your huge family, get with the program.

I got sidetracked. Give me a moment.
OK. Good day, recipe for a good day.

Go visit the Clydesdales. They're huge. Give them some purpose in their large lives. When that's done, take the person you care about the most and sit next to her on some great rollercoasters, including Sheikra, which terrified us both. In a good way. We went on it twice, the second time riding in the front row. It's a good terrified.

Then, avoid the skankily-dressed girls (I mean, really, I've seen too much flesh today, bad flesh), and go to the tiger exhibit where you can stick your head up into a glass hutch that allows you to literally stand three inches away from a sleeping tiger's face. It's freaking amazing. I wish I brought a camera...

Lastly, bring a camera. You want to save these memories. You want a photograph of a tiger face to face with you as he wakes up and stares at you before he disregards you and falls back asleep. You'll have a good day. Stay away from the skanks, Gwazi--a rollercoaster that rattles enough to make you think a tooth will come out of your skull on the next turn, or maybe the next, oh please stay in molar--bring some money for some frozen lemonades, and get out of there before it rains.

There. Now go and have a good day like I did.

Up, The Animated Downer

I really liked Up. In fact, I find most Pixar movies entertaining. So far, Wall-E is the best because it's really satirical. But, let's get back to Up.

Anyone else notice how dark this movie is? I think it's the first Pixar movie that has humans dying in it. In the very beginning, we have Carl and Ellie depressed because they can't have kids, and then, on top of that (which I think is a topic most children cannot even grasp), Ellie dies. What the hell. What a dark and gloomy first few minutes of a Pixar movie. Still, it gets happier, and I like where it went. Thanks, Pixar. The only thing affiliated with Disney I don't begrudge.