I'm growing tired of blogging. And weblogging. And logging. Bad jumberjack, bad.

Why?

Why won't you be shown in Gainesville, oh Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford? Why? Am I going to have to drive somewhere more populated to see you? Or, heaven forbid, wait until it hits VHS to watch you in your glory?

If I wait that long, and find out you're not that good, Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, well, I might just get really angry at you, Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

I really can't wait to see the 2 hour 4o minute masterpiece full of "pregnant pauses" and Brad Pitt. I'm such a sucker for long titles on books and movies.

And I promise not to care that the second star in the movie is an Affleck, my dear Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

I hope to see you soon, AJJBTCRF. You're almost as long as LOTR, and Star Wars: AOTC, but I know you'll be better! You just have to be!

Pam It, Pam It, Pam It!

I washed my car this weekend, for lack of a better thing to do, and because it needed it. I would have cleaned my gun a few times, if I owned one. I would have mounted a deer head, again, if I owned the aforementioned gun. Are there any wildlife left in north Florida?

Anyway, I get done with washing my car, knowing full well that I'm going to get a thousand bug corpses all over it when I drive back to Gainesville. So Dad says to me, "Pam will keep the bugs off." Pam? Seriously? This Pam?

I spray Pam all over the front end of my car. Lo and behold, when I arrive in Gainesville, I can wipe the bug bodies right off the front. The only problem is that the bug guts are now yellow, and a part of the car paint I think. I tried everything to get it off, oh well.

But if Pam can keep the bug carcasses off of the car, what else can it do? I start to think.

Now, I'm going to test this out, just to make sure, but:
- I'm going to spray Pam all over my teeth so that when I eat, no plaque can stick to them. Great idea? I thought so.

- I will spray Pam all over the kitchen floor, so that if I do drop a meat or something I'm going to cook, well, it's half a step closer to being cooked.

- And finally, every time I know I'm going to say something rude, harsh, vulgar, I will spray the person listening down completely with Pam beforehand. This way, they won't get tarnished and hold ill feelings towards me. Then I can wipe them down afterwards, and say "Look at that, good as new!" and buy them a new pair of clothes, too.

I Like To Listen

A certain rung of society comes out to the grocery store past 9:00 PM. There are the Too-Busy-to-Come-Earlier's, the wide-eyed boyfriends, and a few other Unmentionables.

I stroll through the produce section, which is the crowded area at this time of night, with all four shoppers vying for cart room. I overhear a young man on the phone. "Hey--Hello, yeah, I'm at the store. Did you want four bananas or three there, Hon?"

He's probably talking to his girlfriend, significant other, chimp love-mate. I hope he got her the number she asked for, because she knows exactly when bananas will brown, grow spotted, and become inedible.

I move further to the dairy section, past all the nonfat, low fat, 2%, 3%, Grade A, Grade C, and a classmate comes out of nowhere.

"Are you hear to get yogurt, too?" she asks.

Now, the problem with being a Listener is that talking becomes difficult. Especially when asked something that's never been asked before in the history of dialogue. I am inhumane for not liking Yoplait or that new regulating yogurt for better health oh what's it called oh what's its name.

"Um, yeah--no wait, no. I don't really like yogurt that much," I say.

Later I mosey around the other moonlight shoppers. I got what I needed too--all the necessary equipment for producing Ants on a Log (celery, peanut butter, raisins, imagination).

Thanks for the concert, Interpol. It was great.

Orlando wasn't that bad either, despite its glaring Citywalk lights.

Movies to Remake

1. Soylent Green

The plotline is sound. The setting needs to be updated, along with actors, etc. The male lead needs to be over-the-top manly and favorable to gun freedom. I suggest Hugh Jackman. We need more movies that call prostitutes "furniture."




2. THX 1138
George Lucas' first film; he really gets too obsessed with his own creations and the dialogue in his movies is too-robotic. The star for this art-house film was Robert Duvall, so perhaps someone that looks good bald would need to play the lead. I suggest a rework of the screenplay, better lines, but some of the avant-garde techniques can stay.

3. M

A classic, simply put. In a remake, I would want a strong male actor to play the murderer. M is the first movie to show a serial killer, so a remake of it would have to produce an incredibly memorable serial killer. I think Jude Law could pull it off, maybe, with sweeping camera shots that don't give away his identity until towards the middle of the movie. I also would want Shining quality suspense music.

4. Shoot 'Em Up
OK, wait. Now that I think about it, let's not remake this. Let's just lock it away so no one else can waste $8 on it. I love Clive Owen, I think he's great, but even he can't make this more than a 2-hour video game.

Ever Gone Insane?

There are a few routes to insanity. Taking enormous amounts of drugs and lacking REM sleep is one way. Another would be watching morning television.

Morning television is disturbing on several levels.

There's Univision, which broadcasts Despierta America! which I assume is some command to wake up and put on your Flamenco dress. The set is like that of a morning talk show. The hosts wear dresses and suits; your typical Regis and Kelly. BUT every five minutes or just before commercial break they get up and dance. They just dance and shake and pretend they weren't just dancing at 7:00 AM. They cover sports with a guy wearing a basket of fruit on his head. I assume someone somewhere would find this amusing.

There are countless infomercials, for companies that sell cabinets directly to renovators, (which apparently saved one family and their trailer $40,000), companies that sell pools for lap swimming with a lack of space. For individual use, it's a hot tube minus the hot part, with a current. The morning is so bright and optimistic.

TLC goes insane as well. They have a show called High Five! where 20-somethings dance around in tie-dye clothes and then dress up as insects and have hilarious discourses about being stuck to objects. Very scintillating.

The funnest part of the morning variety comes from Fox News, of course. While some channels are selling products, teaching children, what-have-you, Fox News is trying to say that Bush's withdrawal plan is effective, and is the greatest thing of the 20th Century.

Oh, and the other news channels, they are busy having commentators come on and laugh at Bush's withdrawal plan (or lack thereof).

I've had my morning trip. Have you?

Involvement

I had just gotten out of my class, "Age of Dryden, Pope, and Other Old Poets That Only The Elite Will Understand" (SNOB 401), and found myself walking to the beat of the Rolling Stones' Miss You, when I see what looks like Club Day.

Each university organization has its own little booth, its own tri-fold science fair board, its own salesmen.

In the middle of all this is the Sailing Club. They had parked a giant yacht right in front of their table, just to make sure you know what kind of sailing they're talking about. I would have missed it completely if it wasn't for the 30 foot obstruction. I'm sure they travel to exotic locations and wear captains' hats and compare lengths.

I think the vice president was once in the Sailing Club. And the Hunting Club.

Oh, Club Day. You artifact of Higher Education. How you remind me of Lower Education and potentially No Education. I hope the Pep Rally is great this year. When's the dance where I get to stand around the refreshment table and eat E.L.Fudge cookies?

Classic?

American Movie Classics, do me a favor and change your name.

Terminator 3, Catwoman, and especially Dante's Peak are NOT classics.

Thank you,
Greg

Did you see that movie everyone else saw? Can we freely converse about it?

I tend to like it when people come up and ask if I've seen Superbad. It's happened at least 21 times since the movie came out. Yes, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I prefer this conversational greeting. I'm going to employ it when people walk up.


"Frank, you were so right. In Red Dragon, you can see a little of Ralph Fiennes' package."


"Hello, I think Munich was snubbed by the Oscars. You?"


"Hello there, welcome. We all agree Rob Zombie should be paid to not make any more movies."


"God, it's so good to see you. I never want to see another Mr. Bean ad."

Dreams, Preferred

There are a couple things I want to do with my life. Ambition is such a bad word.

I want to write a catalog of medical journals documenting the health effects of writing a catalog of medical journals. It should be insightful.

I want to own and run a movie theater in a city with only eight theatres inside. Four will show the more popular films, and four will show what might be deemed as "classics." North by Northwest, the English Patient, M, etc. Movies that have stood the test of time.

I wouldn't mind being the silent, brooding guitarist in an unheard of band that suddenly becomes popular (overnight) after a smash hit, before drugs enter the picture (cocaine, heroine) and slowly begin a downward spiral into nothingness. But I might be able to get a show about finding "the right girl" some years later.