How Molly Bloom Might See My Life

conceived on good planning parenting and all around everything planned down perfectly in a trailer is where it happened after some drinking in Illinois southern Illinois Homewood to be exact and shortly thereafter the boy was born in Munster Indiana near all the casinos where gambling is legal and very prosperous Harrah's if you will but not in nearby Chicago because the hospital was not indeed nearby but very far away and after a little time in the cold and wind and pervading Illinois bleakness the family went south to Florida hot vacation spot and while there they decided to settle down Father got a transfer from BCBS Blue Cross of Florida where he could account for monetary sums held in hospitals or something like that and account and account he's been there for many years now over 30 and Mom would get a job a little after having Greg because he was self-sufficient progressive and had a great attention span could watch television all day chew on his toothbrush. Soon thereafter the boy went to Pre-K learning to write and hoping no one would read he got in trouble sometimes saying Oh my God and the lady in charge thought that was bad in vain but soon Greg moved on and went to school elementary middle in the gifted program throughout where he was about average but gifted average and then went to high school liked history a lot and was generally bad at English but tried anyway and now you have him in college almost done with English at the university where preachers preach and students walk by because they know better but anyway here he is on the verge of graduating confused lost and somewhere begging to be known. He watches his feet when he walks.

The Sandwich Request

Good Mother: "What kind of sandwich you want tomorrow?"
Distracted Son (smoking a cigar, Eastwood-like): "The Usual."

The Usual was a sandwich I invented. It's made with the following configuration: bread - mayo - bologna - ketchup - bread.

Mmmm Mmmmmmmmm.

The Shoes

Though L.A. Gear sneakers were not my first shoes, they should have been. I wish I was born lighting these babies up. I got sand in the heels.



I then moved on to Nike Air Jordan shoes because I wanted to be good at basketball. They did not actually help in this pursuit.

Next I went through a variety of Nikes because they were the only ones I trusted. I was not a K*Swiss kid. I had a fear of stripes.

Eventually I just gave up shoes all together and now just wear sandals that sometimes smell like feet.

The Kids in School

Kendall tried to light his desk on fire while sitting in it.
Mitchell spent hours making individual spikes in his hair.
Donald won the science fair with Lego robots.
Lichelle knew everything about everything.
Brandon helped me dissect a pregnant toad and pull out its frog caviar.
Brandon also helped me comment on Bill Nye videos.
John made fun of me for not having Pokemon cards.
Jack was nice most of the time and much else cannot be said of him. His mother/7th grade science teacher was also extremely nice.
Dave always smiled and I could barely understand what he said.
Tommy laughed a lot. Tommy later got big into marijuana.
Jessica was friends with Lichelle and also knew everything.
Mary liked fantasy settings and incorporated princesses/wizards into assignments.
Tim talked inaudibly to Dave.
Nick tried to cheat in Scrabble and usually looked at other people's letters.
Greg got an F in reading once.

The Mascoutah, Illinois

My Dad's side of the family is from this little town known as Mascoutah, Illinois. Pronounced: Ma-Scoot-Ah. You can visit it's website here. Town websites are fun.

Some quick facts about Mascoutah:
- It's population is probably just a little over 1,000. That's if someone took the time to count.
- Coupons go to die there. Seriously, look at the back of almost any coupon and it will be shipped to Mascoutah for shredding.
- Scott Air Force Base is nearby.
- Did I mention the coupons?
- Oh, and they got a McDonald's this past decade.

I'd visit Grandma there during the summer for a few weeks and she'd always take my sister and I to the pool, then to the Dairy King (seriously, it was the precursor to Dairy Queen. I wish I was joking), and then she'd drive us around fields, telling us what crops were growing where.

I would fall asleep in the backseat of the Buick.

Oh, and Mascoutah does celebrate its own Oktoberfest if anyone ever wants to go...

The Melting Pot

The first CD I ever owned was "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis Morissette. I had to get out all my feminine angst.







The second CD would be Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise." Sometimes I needed a check-up to hinder my criminal activities.

"Even my mama thinks that my mind is gone..." Oh, that part gets me every time.



In the 5th grade, I went to my first concert. It was Weird Al Yankovich, live. He's really good at accordion and writing witty lyrics.

I think I also had the Chumbawumba CD around that time. And now I'm a model citizen.

The Field Trip

February, 1995. Mrs. Pill decided to take her class to an Indian burial ground for a field trip. It was a few miles from a nuclear power plant.

My best friend Joe and I knew it would be cold. Joe wore his windbreaker. I picked out my own hip outfit.

We were a pair of clowns.











We walked around in the woods, went inside a half-made Indian hut, and then sat around bored. We ate our lunches early, and became better friends with Juston, who had starred as a lost boy in the movie Hook.





I never understood that trip.

The Valentine's Day Shoe Box

I'd make a shoe box, cut a slit in the top, and decorate it in a much more masculine fashion (pictures of weapons, maybe some bullets, and Sylvester Stallone) than the version depicted.

Classmates would go around and drop little Valentine's Day cards into each other's boxes, wishing well. I always made the point to get hip cards. My cards would feature Buzz Lightyear, or show scenes from Forrest Gump. The part where he jumps off the shrimping boat. Yeah, you know the one.

If I attached candy to the back of the card, I really liked a girl.
Tootsie roll: that means you're cute in a 4th grade, unadulterated way. Red sucker: that means marriage. None of my classmates ever understood that.

Afterwards, we all enjoy Tums.

The Sport I Grew Into

There is a sport you will probably play if you're a young male. I was enlisted at age five. It is baseball, little league, the "American pastime" that assholes today usually frown upon and remark that football is instead.

At the beginning, we didn't understand the sport. We hit the ball off of a tee, and we watched our fathers in sweatpants for directions.

We grew older, and moved from rubber cleats to metal cleats, slightly hoping we'd have to step through someone's thigh in order to win the game. In this phase, we also learned how to occupy our time in the outfield.

Then they said we had to play with cups. We would tap our aluminum bats on our cups to make sure everything was in check.

Some of us went on to play in high school. I myself had a very dirty nickname rendered out of my last name. I was the boy on the team that didn't get a hat. There were maybe three other people on the team that were not assholes. They were friendly and said I pitched great.

I did pitch really well, too.

I played baseball for 11 years, and some day I kind of want to show the new kids what to do, in sweatpants.

The First Story I Ever Wrote

Note: I cannot tell what age I was when I wrote this. The text below is how I found it. I think it's worth the read. Thanks.

One day, John Maclaine, a cop, [I had seen Die Hard at this point, I suppose] was seraching for data on a computer. Just then the computer had an overload and he was shocked. The next day, he discovered he had the power to vaporize things by heating his coffee without using the microwave. He then decided he would become a super hero and help millions of people. For a whole month he was making his costume. After he made his costume, he decided to call himself "Solo". He devoted his life to helping people.

One night, he heard on the C.B. Radio that there was a robbery going on at a secret laboratory in Chicago, so he rushed there in his costume. When he got there, he used his invisibility watch so he could go inside without being seen. When he got inside he threw a couple of things up in the air so that the criminals would think the laboratory was haunted or something. When they ran away, they snatched a Chaos Machine that could make earthquakes destroy a whole city.

The next day, the criminals destroyed New York by using earthquakes from the Chaos Machine. As soon as John Maclaine heard the news he transformed into "Solo". Then, he went out in search of the criminals. Solo used his mind powers and found out that the criminals had been hiding in the warehouse in Los Angeles. Then he used his hoverboard to search for the correct warehouse.

Finally, Solo found the correct warehouse. Then, he climbed up on the roof of the warehouse where he could see the criminals inside. Next, he smashed through the roof and caught the criminals by surprise and tied them up. Finally, he decided that the only way nobody would steal it again was if he destroyed it. John then picked up a metal bar and smashed it. Later on that day, the President of the United States met Solo and thanked him by giving him the Medal of Honor. Then, the President said, "Thank you for saving the United States from ending in the year 2023." From that day on, Solo was known as a super hero.

The Feelings of My Spongy, Young Brain

A small assignment I had to do when I was pocket-sized, given as it's written, if you will.


"I feel surprised when I get a present."


"I feel pain when I fall.
I feel anger when my sister bugs me.
I feel happy when I go to a waterpark.
I feel sad when someone died.
I feel confused when someone says motel and hotel."

Look at that, I understood life right out of the gates. I finally figured out the hotel/motel difference, too.

The First Words

My dad came in to change my diaper, and when he leaned over the crib, I pointed my finger and said "Not you!" Those were my first words. Of course, that's what Mom always says happened.

Sorry, big guy.

Note: Toddler pictured is not as cute as I was. He's practically bald. And, I had several girl babies literally crawling all over me.