When Will Billy Mays Get A Nobel Prize?

There really isn't a more prolific inventor than Mr. Mays. Oxy Clean was just a springboard to many more successful products, such as the goo that adheres to things. You know the stuff.

The commercial makes that goo look invincible.

Hall of Fame

A classmate of mine applied to get into the UF Hall of Fame and was rejected. Col. Powell asked us to write letters rebuking the committee that said no to the student. So, I wrote this. It's very diplomatic.

Dear Super Important Committee:

When I heard the news that Mr. Shaun Spalding would not be inducted into the Hall of Fame this year, my heart withered. My life has been horrible ever since—I lost my job because I lacked motivation. My wife left me. I’ve lost all my hair. Any attempt at securing a future wife has been ruined, because, as previously mentioned, I am now bald. It seems, that I too, like Nelson Mandela, have been cursed to 27 years of agony.

I can only assume that there was a mistake in declining Mr. Spalding’s application. On weekdays, he teaches inner-city students to read, excel in trigonometry, and pass the SATs. I believe you’ve seen the Hollywood dramatization of his life: Stand and Deliver. All of this is performed, of course, around the schedule of his honors classes here at UF and practice for the Gator frisbee team. I have never seen a frisbeeist with such accuracy. On weekends, he battles wildfires in the Sierra Madres and delivers meals to the immobile elderly. And let us not forget that Mr. Spalding invented the 8-lbs. Oreck vacuum cleaner, a godsend to the immobile elderly because it weighs only 8-lbs.

It should also be mentioned, for the enlightenment of this committee, that Mr. Spalding saved my life. He pulled my wife (who is currently divorcing me) and I from our burning sleeping bag during a wildfire in the Sierra Madres. He then tutored me for the SATs and I have him to thank for my career at UF. In hindsight, it seems this Hall of Fame is not large enough to contain a math teacher, honor student, frisbee athlete, volunteer firefighter, meal deliverer, and vacuum inventor, such as Mr. Shaun Spalding.

Sincerely,

Greg Doe,
Senior Fiction Apprentice

It's Starting to Scare Me

Read this article.
A woman sunbathing off Marathon Key was killed by a stingray that leapt straight out of the ocean and hit her in the head. I'm sure you've heard of this bizarre incident. My condolences to the family involved.

Now, as soon as I heard about this, my mental gears started clinking: Stingray. Ocean. Death. Steve Erwin. Wait a minute...this is the second murder by stingray in recent history.

I am starting to believe The Stingray Uprising is upon us. Don't believe me? Watch this video. Scientists have NO IDEA why the shark populations around Florida are decreasing. I can tell you why:

The Stingray Uprising.

Now that I've discovered their plans, my very life is at risk. If, perchance, I am drowned in my sleep, or if I go to the pier and never return, you all know what happened.

Perhaps our Monkfish friends can defend us. We must remain vigilant in this darkest hour.

It's Vehicular Nomenclature

Sis got a new car.

Some people like to name cars, like they're horses. I'm not one of those people, but I would like to offer some suggestions to my sister for this urban off-roading machine.

Here are a few suggestions, Sis:
- Rainer Werner Fassbinder
- Snowball
- Winston
- Churchill
- Ford Pickup
- Vanilla Ice
- Dolemite
- Herbert (or Oscar)
- Jasper Johns
- Siberian Tiger
- Blanca
- The Aryan
- Helga
- Tango & Cash
- This name is good, too.

There. I hope some of those names work for the CRV. Of course, I myself wouldn't be caught dead saying: "Yeah, I'll drive. Let's take Vanilla Ice for a spin."

It's an important day

because I know several people who all have birthdays today. You folks, go eat cake. Turn the David Bowie record up loud. You can be heroes.

More importantly, it is my papa's birthday. My great-grandpa, grandpa, and dad were all born on March 19th.

I kind of ruined that trend, but oh well. To make up for it, Dad, I hired Paul Bunyon to bring you a cake. I don't know if it'll make it to you in one piece...Cheers!

MISSING: My Hubby

Last seen: On my car.

DOB: Shortly before 2001.
Body Type: Round
Eye Color: Silver
Race: Nissan
Height: About 4 inches...


If you can provide any information as to the whereabouts of my hubby, I would greatly appreciate it.

Until then, my heart (which, it turns out, happens to be a right-rear tire) will remain a black hole of despair. I guess I could settle for a replacement, but he'd have to have a much higher income and a great sense of humor.

It's America!

And without Dunkin Donuts, who knows where my patriotism would be...We all might have to speak in tongues.

I would also like to take a moment to thank John Goodman for narrating this commercial:

John, you are the ideal American to me. Thank you for your tireless efforts. When you do the voice work for a TV commercial, my ears ring sweet euphoria. When you cheated on Roseanne in season 8 of Roseanne, I sympathized. When you taught Larry what it was to fuck a stranger in the ass, I understood.

I'm with you all the way, Mr. Goodman.

It's What the Doctor Ordered

Mirapex is used to treat people in the early stages of Parkinson's Disease. It's also taken if you suffer from RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome).

While I probably suffer from the opposite of RLS, one of the side effects caught mine eye. A person may develop "pathological gambling behaviors."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some craps to play in the back alley.

And yes, before you say anything, there are back alleys in Suburbia, Florida. They're between the golf courses, retirement homes, and faux-Mexican restaurants. We all wear khakis in them.

It's Learning. Honest.

I watched a couple hours of The Learning Channel today, and I learned a few useful things:

1. The "Take Home Handyman" will show you how to do everything, and then go off to his trailer and comb his hair a few times. You will learn how to grout tiles. You will grout tiles.

2. To look 10 Years Younger, you must first be sealed in a glass cube and put on display in public. Smoking will not help the anti-aging process. Having children will not help the anti-aging process.

3. You can look a lot younger if you have enough lasers to burn your face properly.

4. Clinton from What Not to Wear would die without argyle. Also, he will advise wearing a jacket to accessorize any outfit. Even if you lack arms.

5. If you have a bit of a belly, you want to wear a top that lifts your visual center of gravity.

6. If your clothing style of choice is "comfortable," you need to re-evaluate things.

7. I find Stacy to be genuinely gorgeous. She has kind of an attitude and a somewhat weird nose, but I think it adds to her attainability. An important factor for consideration.

8. Stacy would not like my clothing choices.

It's Popular Decor

I've seen this on walls before. Without it, I'd forget to laugh, live, or frankly, blink. But, I think it is missing some essentials.

So I created my own: (Click the picture for a better size)

It's National Reading Day

I just found that out as I was typing this. Also, if you're reading properly, light will emit from the book and any problems in your life will fix themselves.

It also happens to be National Go Blind Day.








Look at that, even Snoop's reading.






I should sell this picture to a library.

Well,

History Month is over, I reckon.
I can go back to talking about other less-tiring things.