Andrew Bird - Anonanimal

A Treat For You

I had my students write a poem, rap, or short story about the class. This is a verse from the one of the raps, exactly as written:

"Rough drafts and busy work

Class please listen to the master

Lickenbrock spits rips like pac

But articulates english faster"

Dystopias in Film

In a time when swine flu could kill us all, I've listed the best and worst films portraying dystopias.

Best
Children of Men
Blade Runner
Minority Report
Metropolis
Pink Floyd: The Wall
Wall-E
A Scanner Darkly
Renaissance
Twelve Monkeys
City of Lost Children
28 Days Later
Soylent Green
The Mad Max movies
Escape from New York
I'm hesitant, but Dark City, and maybe the first ten minutes of the first Matrix movie. THX 1138 should be included, because George Lucas was not a panzy with this one.

I pick these because of the level of detail present. The world has been fully realized. It took time and effort to put these together. They're interesting, refreshingly pessimist, and dark. The above movies are not ranked in any way, keep in mind. Now, for the really bad ones:

Worst
Judge Dredd
Johnny Mnemonic
Total Recall
The Island (as much as I love Ewan McGregor...)
The Running Man
Soldier
Waterworld
Solaris
Gattaca
Equilibrium

The list of the bad ones goes on and on and on. If the science fiction is not anchored in reality in some way identifiable way, it will fail. Think: Blade Runner would be useless if it weren't also a noir detective story. You can fight me on this, you can tell me Waterworld is amazing, but we both know you just like watching Kevin Kostner run around, wishing he was truly amphibious.

Nautical Science

Quizno, you have done it again, my friend. You craft a delicious sub, and now, when people fear their own banks and gas prices are slowly rising again and toxic waste is slowly seeping through the ground because you can't put toxic waste in plastic drums in abandoned salt mines because salt makes plastic brittle and weak and in a time when people don't trust the yellow journalism of CNN or Fox and they have little patience in a president who is already making great strides but is still relatively new and and and and then you Quizno, you unleash...

The TORPEDO! Or, as I like to call it: A cheaper, thinner, but longer, Quizno's sub.

What a deal. I recommend the Pesto Chicken Torpedo. I also recommed that other fast food chains start adopting such naming strategies--strategies that consist of smaller versions of food with more powerful names. Burger King: Introduce the Knight Mini-Burger. (White Castle, you can't really get any smaller. Sorry). Taco Bell: Bring out the Taco Chime. Pizza Hut: What about the Pepperoni Lean-to? But but but, make sure that the name is more powerful, "Lean-to" is not a good example. Torpedo has more bang than Sub.

Also, technically, the torpedo shouldn't be bigger than the sub. Logistically, launching that thing would be a nightmare. You'd have to rig some system where the submarine essentially rides the torpedo much like our shuttle must first ride the giant rocket before leaving the atmosphere. But, I'm being nitpicky. Quizno, I know what you're up to. I like your style.

I Recently Took A Quiz

on Facebook to see 'how black I am'. I scored 100%, earning me the title of Tupac Shakur. It's tough being Tupac. Want to know what it's like?

Here, I can even let you see what I see! This is what I see:

Because I'm dead.

Yeah, sorry. Tupac's long gone. Oh, and I guess this applies to my other Facebook quiz letting me know that I'm similar to Virginia Woolf. Let me just watch The Hours for fourteen hours and then fill my dress pockets with stones. To the lighthouse!

This Just In!

If you come into Subway during the busy lunch hour and order subs for your entire office, you are an asshole. There has got to be a better way...

I'm sorry--I know--with the economy as bad as it is, it's really not nice to label someone an asshole. I'm an asshole, too. But not because I will hold up a Subway line ordering four individual subs with completely different styles and toppings and bread choices for people that aren't even there. I cry foul.

Foul!

I should be grading papers...

Bitch please!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

And now a slow jam, for all you lovebirds out there

This picture + the above caption = Most hilarious thing I've seen in a long time. Oh, Internet.

Should you be at the Super Wal-Mart like everyone else in this valley?

O.K., there are a couple rules you must follow before you even enter the store, let alone wait twenty minutes in the check-out line, wondering how many Rhinos would equate the woman in front of you's girth. (Seriously, she was on the big side).

Rule #1: Take your intelligent, judgmental self, and kiss it's snobby ass goodbye. We don't want no goody-two-shoes at this supercenter! Here's what you'll look like after you've turned your brain off:

Rule #2: Wear whatever you want. How about a white tanktop underneath a larger white tanktop? That way, no one will see your nipples, but you can still let your arms breathe. Got Crocs? Wear 'em! Jean shorts? EVEN BETTER.

Finally, Rule #3: You must do all your shopping at this Wal-Mart Supercenter. Food, children's clothes, auto parts, electronics, carpenting and plumbing, intimates, shotguns, shotgun shells, hunting racks so you can load your truck with whatever you've killed with your shotgun, dry-rot-proof boots, and of course, baby food--these must all be purchased at once. No exceptions, wayfarer.

Wait, wait. I got that picture wrong. Let me fix it...

There we go.

Parks and Recreations...

I have no idea how I feel about this show. I didn't laugh at it. It was The Office minus the funny. I guess I'll have to give it another chance.

It's a little awkward

but I highly recommend Afrin Nasal Spray if you have a sinus problem. I could just be getting over my cold naturally, but I'm hoping this has helped... at least a little. As soon as you get its menthol formula caked to your nose's innards, you feel instantly like you have goo in your nose. Anon! It helps you breathe.

I would also like to suggest that Afrin Spray for Noses (ASN for academic purposes. 'Assin' on the streets) is also a good way to lose friends if you sniff this baby in public. Or, I bet you could end a very awkward conversation by pulling out this bottle and jamming it up your nose.

Sample conversation while "assin":
--"So, I noticed you were passed over for that promotion."
--*Person pulls out Afrin Nasal Spray, plugs it into nose, feels menthol goodness*
--"Oh, O.K.... see you around!"